Halloween Horror Nights 34: Houses Ranked
Join us for a recap, if you dare!
Editor’s note - Once again our loyal Horrorspondant (and my wonderful husband), Mitch Krpata has braved the houses of Universal Orlando Resort’s Halloween Horror Nights to report back for all of you loyal readers! Below is his take on this year’s event! If this sounds like fun there is still plenty of time to visit, reach out and I’d love to help you plan your trip! Without further ado, take it away Mitch!
Hello and happy October. Once again it’s my privilege to recap Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando for you, which might mean that I can write off my trip come tax time. HHN34 was a solid event with no real duds and a couple of brilliant high points.
As usual, I highly recommend getting the Express Pass. I had only one night there this year, and even with posted wait times of up to 95 minutes, I never waited longer than 15 minutes – and usually less than that. That meant that my companion and I were able to do every house and every scare zone, watch a show, and take a couple of breaks, all in about 5 hours. Well worth it.
Let’s get to the house rankings.
El Artista: A Spanish Haunting
Definitely tops for me, El Artista is a journey into the madness of a painter within his tastefully appointed Spanish castle. Every year there’s one house that just looks better than all the rest. This one starts off with a huge facade of the residence, and then the maze takes you through not only the interior of the house but into a courtyard with a fountain and some other unexpected locales. The art is dark and disturbing, the monsters twisted, and the artist’s descent well described. There’s also a gargoyle flying above you. Awesome house.
2. Gálkn: Monsters of the North
Even though saying the name of this one out loud makes you feel like you have a mouthful of peanut butter, everything else about it was flawless. I’m a sucker for folk horror and it was nice to walk through a house with creepy stick figures and crudely etched runes. The creature design was excellent and culminated with a gigantic, multi-eyed skull that hung over a doorway. We did this one pretty early in the night and I wish I’d had a chance to do it again.
3. Terrifier
The movies are pretty bad, but not for nothing the second one climaxes inside of a haunted house at a carnival, so spiritually it was a good fit. The creative team at Universal promised that this was the goriest house they’ve ever done, and without having seen all the rest it’s definitely plausible. Every room was a tableau of murder, with many scenes recreated directly from the films. (At one point, I turned to watch Art the Clown peel back a victim’s scalp, and at that exact moment a kid who looked about 8 years old walked into the room. Great stuff.) I will say that the “wet exit” was extremely overhyped. I wore a poncho and it wasn’t necessary at all. I was picturing torrents.
4. Five Nights at Freddy’s
I surprised myself a bit but this one was a hoot. There are very few human actors in it, and a ton of large animatronic creatures. It was far from the scariest house I’ve ever seen, but in terms of offering something new and different, it delivered. Right from the first room, where the animatronic band is playing a song onstage and breaks down, the production value was clear.
5. Grave of Flesh
This was another one that I liked more than I expected. The early scenes which place you within an open grave are eerily effective, and as you proceed through the damp earth there are some strange sights and, for me at least, kind of a feeling of sadness. That’s gone pretty quickly, though, as the monsters keep coming. This one also has some kind of a boss monster at the end up on a balcony and I always like those.
6. Jason Universe
As I’ve said about Michael Myers-themed houses in the past, it’s kind of a cheat code to be able to use a property as well known as Friday the 13th. Truthfully I was hoping for some more creativity here. The scenery was all generic summer camp stuff (we didn’t take Manhattan or venture to outer space!). But there was a crapload of Jasons. They didn’t hold back. You walk through hallways with several of them jumping out at you from all sides. And it works!
7. Dolls: Let’s Play Dead
This was short but creative and effective. The idea is basically that you’re shrunken to doll size and you’re wandering through a house like the one the evil kid in Toy Story had. There are all sorts of messed-up dolls with glassy expressions, discomfiting proportions, and hideous scarring. One part I especially liked was walking through the home’s oven.
8. Hatchet and Chains: Demon Bounty Hunters
We did this one first and it was fun. I liked the western theme. Thinking back now I don’t remember it in great detail, though.
9. WWE: The Horrors of the Wyatt Sicks
WWE is even more morally degraded than most companies and I purposely stopped watching and supporting them years ago. It’s very funny to me that a company that refuses to let its performers blade on camera was ok with showing dead production assistants in branded polos spilling their guts across the floor. If there had been a defiled Vince McMahon corpse I would have liked this a lot more.
10. Fallout
Sometimes it’s just not a good fit. I like the games and I liked the TV series, but Fallout isn’t primarily a horror property and you could sense the limitations here. One of the problems that can arise with licensed properties is needing to rely on protagonist characters for jumpscares. That just never really works. I’m there to feel like someone is trying to murder me, dammit!
One general note about the houses this year: they were all extremely stinky. Odors have always been a part of the HHN experience but it seemed cranked to 11 this time. I often felt coated in the scents afterward.
Jellicle cats
I’m not going to rank them, but here are a few thoughts on the scare zones:
The Origins of Horror – Pretty neat. This combined elements of a lot of the houses, including big sculptures of the licensed properties, as well as some monsters from the other ones.
The Cat Lady of Crooked Lane – Great idea, great execution. The cat costumes were terrific.
Masquerade: Dance of Death – I’m pretty sure this was ripping off Vampire: The Masquerade, but it was good! The vampires were very courteous when not feasting on their victims’ blood.
Mutations: Toxic Twenties – Fun costumes and makeup. Good theme. I’m not sure what else you want from me.
A hot dog? In this economy?
And some miscellany:
This year I skipped the Nightmare Fuel show because I’ve seen a couple of them and even though they’re not exactly the same, they’re not exactly different, you know? We did watch the fountain show, Haunt-O-Phonic, which was basically like a laser light show you’d see at the planetarium. It was fine but I wouldn’t go out of your way.
With the demolition of Rip Ride Rockit, getting to some of the houses was a maze all its own. The signage was clear, but it wasn’t easy to get re-oriented upon exiting a house, and the walkways were occasionally very narrow. It was nowhere near as bad as the year that there was a ton of construction going on and there were temporary walls erected everywhere, but worth being prepared for if you go.
And finally, I had a really big-ass mozzarella stick from one of the Terrifier food booths. It was ok if you want to eat a pound of cheese in one sitting, which I do. My friend had the freakishly long corn dog, which he enjoyed, although he noted that the jalapeno sauce was not terribly spicy.
As I write this, there’s still about a month left to hit up HHN if any of this sounds enticing to you. I’ve been many times and always really enjoyed myself. Why haven’t you? What are you waiting for?
Scared?
A HUGE Thank you to Mitch and Jim for braving HHN this year and getting me all this information to share with all of you! Truly the best unpaid interns a girl could ask for.
